When life gives you lemons

Sit and watch the birds

I have been feeling pretty ‘meh’ about life for the past couple of days.

New moon energy usually messes with my equilibrium, but this month it came in like a sucker punch. Accompanied with a credit card bill which showed a payment of nearly £2,500 to Ionos, the domain host. Now I have bought a couple of domains recently because I renamed the blog on my website, and also because I am toying with the idea of rebranding one of my substack publictations. But there is no way on this planet would I have paid £2000 +VAT for a domain name. I don’t have that kind of money to spare.

But it looks like I’m going to have to find it, because Ionos are adamant that I purchased this bloody thing despite the fact I’m sure I just clicked off the page. My credit card company won’t back charge the seller because apparently consumer protections don’t apply to domain names. I’m still fighting it out with Ionos – the latest email is from someone who says he is the ‘highest authority in the UK market’ but gives no job title – he could be the office junior for all I know. If anyone has any tips for dealing with this kind of issues, please let me know.

This is all a massive energy drain, and I can feel myself sliding towards the pit of depression. It’s a while since I last slid into it. I thought I was well clear, but apparently the slope I hadn’t even noticed can become slippery at any time.

My apparent ability to fuck things up is insidiously making me question even small decisions. What shall we have for supper has gone from being an easy call to an hour of deliberation. Can’t find an alternative car park when the one I planned to use is full? Disaster. Using the RingGo app to pay in an unfamiliar car park – did I remember to enter an end time, or will it think I’m there all day? Standing up for my elevator pitch at a networking event – my legs were wobbling. And the altogether more scary decision to move my pension from a US based investment company to a UK based alternative – yes, this is going to cost a significant amount in fees, am I doing the right thing? One thing I am certain of is that I’m not trusting myself to go for a DIY SIPP. From a tax point of view, it could eye-wateringly expensive to mess it up, so I’ll pay for advice by going with an IFA on that one.

Amongst all the gloom and doom, life carries on, and that is what is carrying me on at the moment. So indulge me in blowing my own trumpet for a minute to write down my wins of yesterday. Seeing them in writing and then pressing send to publish isn’t an act of bragging, it’s an act of reframing to focus on the positive instead of on the crap.

I didn’t chicken out of in person networking (which is something I do not enjoy!), I went and did it. I made a couple of connections that may be useful, and had a chat with the photographer who did my daughter’s prom photos almost exactly a year ago. I went straight from there to my running group (I even remembered to wear a sports bra under my posh frock, because one of my running buddies demonstrated a few weeks back that trying to put on a sports bra without flashing when you are changing in the car is a challenge, and she ended up with bruises in uncomfortable places from the steering wheel). Changed in the car. Did our Wednesday evening 5k despite feeling bleurgh because I hadn’t eaten anything at the right time, went home and cooked supper for the family from scratch. Then cleaned up the kitchen, walked the dogs, and flopped down on the sofa. Probably shouldn’t have watched the news – global gloom and doom doesn’t help any. So pep talk to self, Julie, you are not a total failure.

The thing is, as women, I don’t think we actually give ourselves credit for the things we do actually do bloody brilliantly. You know, those every day tasks that keep the house running, food on the table (which requires grocery shopping, either online or in person), clean clothes, clean bed linen, clean house … And run a business alongside that. To every mother out there (especially the ones managing stressy teens in exam season) – you are fabulous, and don’t you forget it.

I’ve realised grunts which pass for conversation from the teenager are not a reflection on me, it’s an expression of his stress levels and lack of knowledge of how to express it. My son is in his fourth week of exams (there was half term in the middle), so if he’s feeling as overwhelmed by stuff as I am, I’m not surprised that he doesn’t really want to have conversations. Especially the ones that involve asking him how it went. I certainly don’t enjoy the conversations with my husband about Ionos at the moment. So if exams are stressing out your teen, I invite you to give them time to process. Mine usually talks when he’s ready.

So when I’m ferrying my son around, I just hold space in the car. I’m silently saying a little mantra in my head that goes “I love you my boy, and just know that your best is good enough”. I’ve said it out loud many times, but I don’t think it hurts to put it out there as energy too.

Thankfully he has sport to metabolise cortisol, and stay sane. I have to say, I felt a little better after running yesterday evening, even though I can’t say I particularly enjoyed it at the time. Exercise does realised endorphins, the feel-good molecules. Running also gets me out of my head, because I find myself counting my footfalls. I’ve also been working on my running form, which takes concentration.

My overall peptalk to myself today is really about that adage, you know the one, when life gives you lemons, make lemonade. I’m still figuring out the recipe here, but I’ll get there at some point.

In the meantime, I’m watching a flock of great tits work out whether it is safe to approach the drinking station I have created for the small creatures. It’s a shallow seed propagation tray filled with water, with a couple of small rocks in it to create a platform from which the small birds can reach the water without falling in. I’ll report back on whether it works. I deliberately spilled water on the patio so there is a puddle as well.

ETA kids like water! A juvenile great tit is having a bath! This one enjoyed it so much, he came back for a second go!

The little video I’m posting at the beginning of this post is just a gentle reminder that when life seems just too much just go outside. You may see butterflies dancing and small birds flitting around. They don’t give a toss about the stresses of modern living. I’d quite like wings to fly away on right now. The petty problems of life likely seem insignificant from a distance.

I also use somatics to calm my nervous system. Here’s a short practice for you to try.

If you enjoy reading my posts, please consider buying me a coffee!

Or if you would like to subscribe, click the button below.